The Common Reason I See Couples Therapy Fail

I have always had my focus on couples therapy from the beginning of grad school. I’ve mentioned it before, but I almost felt like I was kind of set up to do the work by coincidences that kept landing me with difficult couples during my clinical rotations and internship. I have always found the work to be challenging, but every few years, I see something in couples therapy that kind of shakes me. 

The Frozen Couple

Two different couples come to mind for me. And they’re actually the couples that I have worked with the longest, years even. The first couple came in initially because of disconnection. One was longing for intimacy and dragged the other into therapy, as it sometimes happens. Once we started working it became abundantly clear that there was more to the issue than just disconnection. Both partners had trauma histories that had impacted their lives deeply and had led both of them to try everything to find reliefs. Individual therapists, psychiatric meds, acupuncture, yoga, bodywork, group therapy, diet/supplements to improve mood; nothing had worked for either of them to the degree that they hoped. 

When they came to me, they were in a stable place in life. They had both tried so much for so long that they both knew how to deal with their trauma responses. They were not being dishonest when they sad they were disconnected, the ways that they had to manage those trauma responses kept either of them from feeling much of anything. As we did trauma work the best we could in couples therapy, one of them started to get in touch while the other stayed frozen emotionally. The worst part of this all was that my clients knew what was happening, we would talk about it. I even had individual sessions with the one where I voiced concerns for the process and even tried to talk with them about alternative ways that we could be doing couples therapy.

My assumption was that I must not have had a good therapeutic relationship with the one, but they always came back with gratitude for my concerns and that they always felt respected by me even when they would block interventions. They stopped seeing me in a different difficult place than the one they were in at the beginning of therapy, they now knew that they had to feel again if they wanted the closeness they were looking for. They ended therapy with the one saying that they were not willing to work any more and the other knowing they would not receive the connection they longed for from their partner. They were still married when they ended couples therapy with me…

The Power Couple

The other couple that comes to mind were the definition of a power couple. They were high performers who were both adored in their respective fields. They had the most interesting hobbies, pretty much any extreme sport that they could get ahold of the equipment to. They were hilarious, smart, witty, and seemed to have very active social communities. And by their accounts, their relationship was perfect 80% of the time. And 20% of the time, they were screaming, attacking each other’s character, and threatening to leave.

By all indications early on, they were on their way to being the warm, fuzzy poster children for couples therapy. They put so much work into de-escalating their negative cycle. They started to behave in ways that I’d even describe as warm! They were both able to begin to voice some of their greatest fears and deep seeded vulnerabilities AND they were supportive of each other throughout the process. And they even did what I believe is the hardest part of couples therapy, they learned how to have conflict with care and kindness toward each other. The problem was the conflict never stopped. One of them had career ambitions that would most likely keep them moving consistently, and the other wanted their life to look a particular way as they aged that was not in line with that. They had rekindled the spark of their relationship, but they had an unsolvable problem. They just could not agree on where their lives were going. They ended their relationship when they ended therapy with me, and when I last heard from one of them, they were still deeply in love…

What Just Happened?!

I found myself asking this question after both of those cases had ended. I had been their therapist for years at that point. I went for some of the most painful existential questions during those times. One changed drastically, nothing changed for the other couple. One ended their relationship in pain. The other couple chose to stay in their relationship…in pain. I spent so much time spinning about what I thought made relationships work. I couldn’t even make heads or tails of how I felt about how things ended for each of those couples. I somehow managed to feel like I was a bad therapist for not helping them stay together AND because I couldn’t help the others break up. I had done my best, I’d tried my hardest, and I did it for longer than I had with any other couple. 

We Went from,

Please, to

I need, to

If you want, to 

If you’ve got time…

I heard these songs lyrics recently, and they brought me back to these two couples. The song brought on a hollow sadness. It was familiar, like a ghost. And like any good spirit with unfinished business, it helped me make sense of my experience of those two couples. That sadness captured a sense I had with those couples and others throughout the years and put it to words that I had never come to before. 

As different as they were, those couples had something in common. I had watched them erode. They were both relationships where time and the elements had taken their toll. Whether it’s trauma or the everyday stressors, we’ve all ended up trapped in the rain. Those relationships were out in the weather for too long. No matter how solid it was, once erosion happens the shape of the rock is changed forever. 

Why are you still doing this?

Someone point blank asked me a few weeks ago why I still do this. I appreciate going for the obvious question, honestly not many of my colleagues do. If you back me into a corner, a lot of my opinions and experiences in this field can make me sound like I’m pretty cynical. And coming to a place where I believe that relationships erode over time in more depressed times of my life might have brought on a lot of hopelessness. 

But I actually experience a bit of hope instead. That hope, among other things, is why I still do this. Because at the end of the day, I really love the metaphor that ghost handed me. The elements are unwavering and brutal. And that same water that erodes a rock keeps a forest growing and healthy. The weather may not be under our control, but not everyone who’s exposed to it ends up in my office. I can’t control what may be in the air, but I also don’t have to. We’ve built homes to shelter us from the weather. And the elements don’t destroy what is cared for. Our homes aren’t knocked over by every shift in the wind. And when we care for them, they last. I currently live in a part of the city where it isn’t unheard of to come across a century old home. When a house is built well and maintained intentionally, it doesn’t end up crumbling. No relationship has to be at the mercy of time and the pains of life. While the weather may be out of our control, I am grateful that I get the opportunity to invite people to come in out of the rain…