Could Therapy Help My Newly Opened Relationship?

Couples decide to enter into polyamorous relationships for various reasons. For some, their relationship dynamic has been polyamorous from day one. Others decide to try a poly relationship after having had a previously monogamous dynamic. There are a lot of misconceptions people have about making that change in their relationship. Most people think of therapy when something has gone wrong in their relationship, but many couples making this shift could avoid some pain by working with a therapist to make these changes in an intentional way. Here are reasons you may want help navigating that shift:

Your Relationship Feels like a Struggle

If you are struggling in your current relationship, trying to fix it by giving polyamory a shot is not going to go well for you.  I generally recommend that, if you can keep from it, do not make large changes in life if your relationship feels stretched. This includes changing your relationship dynamic. 

There is the stereotypical image of the couple that tries opening up in order to fix their relationship or fulfill some unmet need. In their book The Ethical Slut, Easton and Hardy talk about forms of nonmonogamy being about a stance of abundance instead of scarcity. This means you want to be making this shift from a place of positive desire, not because your current relationship is unfulfilling. A therapist can sometimes be helpful in helping you get in touch with the wonderful things you desire for your relationship and your partner.

Only One of You wants This

If only one person is sold on the idea of opening up, my honest recommendation is find a therapist at that point.  In these situations, one partner probably thinks this is a good idea while the other is hesitant if not totally against the idea.  So one of you ends up trying to convince the other. 

The Gottman’s are couple/relationship researchers, and they have said that there are “perpetual problems” in our relationships. That may sound hopeless, but really it just means that there are some problems they recommend solving together and others they recommend managing together. That being said, we all have boundaries. My partner and I can manage the problem that I am really zoned out after work sometimes. We would not be able to manage the problem if we disagreed about wanting kids or not. Therapy can help sort through what may be problems for us to navigate or boundaries for us to hold.

Logistics, Schedules, and Communication

It might sound trivial, but balancing nonmonogamous relationships takes logistical skills.  For instance, how will you manage time with various partners? If you share finances, have you talked about how much money is realistic for each of you to be spending on dating? Do you both mean the same thing or might you be using terminology differently? For instance, one person might be thinking of primarily sexual connections when they talk about opening up while the other is thinking about emotionally connected relationships.   

I do not think that any of these things in themselves should be reasons to keep a relationship closed. These are just some common struggles that I believe therapy can help people sort through in their relationships.

If you are interested in learning more about Polyamory or Relationship Therapy, I encourage you to reach out to me to book a free consultation appointment where we can discuss your therapy in more detail and see if we are a good fit for each other.

If you’d like to know more about my approach to relationship therapy, please visit this page here.